I found out this morning that my mother has passed away.
It was not expected. She was far too young. Writing these words seem shocking. The world around me has just came to a screeching, violent, shuddering halt.
We were supposed to drive up to see her today in fact. And when I got the call from the house, I expected her voice on the line, asking if we were on the road yet.
It wasn’t her. It was someone else. My mother was gone.
And all day I have hidden myself in a hotel room, making calls, sharing news, calming people, trying to calm myself, at times shaking too much to dial the phone, at times numb - my fingers only vaguely tingling, at times laboring to breathe, at times gripped throughout with such unexpected surprising pain, I cry out.
Grief.
It’s odd. I feel like I am watching myself from the outside in. Watching the shadows of this loss pass over me again and again. I mean, how are people supposed to act when they find out their mothers have died? Whats the norm for this sort of thing? I look around, wondering what emotions come next, what guilt, what anger, what wonder.
And then the “what ifs”. They come a lot too.
My mother. I pray for her peace. For her inner joy to beam through where ever she is. Who knows. Maybe she’s actually just sitting here on the bed next to me. Or maybe she’s swimming in some heavenly ocean, the way she used to, with her enormous glasses still on, hair somehow still dry, floating, belly up and toes up, rocking and bobbing away, free, happy, peaceful.
Honestly? I really hope she’s there and not here. This bed covered in kleenex and haphazard notes about funeral details and phone numbers is really not such a party.
This is really no place to spend your first day in heaven.
My mother. Rest, feel peace, enjoy your ocean. I miss you. I love you. I am without you.
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63 comments ↓
Condolences on your loss. I’m very sorry to hear of your Mom’s passing.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry. I wish I could give you a hug. Pretend that I am right now, all the way from Chicago, okay?
Oh, honey, I’m so sorry. Hang in there –
I am so so sorry to hear of your loss. I pray for peace and comfort for you, for endurance for the coming days, and for strength as you continue your journey without her here with you. *HUG*
oh, god. what can i say but that my thoughts are with you?
oh, I am so sorry! I know your pain; my mom passed away in march and it is exactly as you described. No words can help, just please take care of yourself.
Oh…as the tears well up in my eyes it’s with heartfelt sorrow that I send my condolences to you and your family. I’m so, so sorry to hear of your loss.
My thoughts are with you. In high school, several years after my mom died, I read Motherless Daughters and it made me understand I wasn’t the only person living without my mom. It was one of those books that changes you, that lifts the heaviness. May you be at ease.
I do not know you personally, but I know your pain. While I have not lost my mother, I have experience death.
It’s hard to imaging losing anyone, but when you lose your mother it’s as though apart of you has died as well. She is the person who knows you best, whether some like to admit it or not.
I am sure you are dealing with a lot of grief, but if it makes you feel one ounce of BETTER, your family is in my prayers.
I am so very sorry for your loss….
Keeping you and your family in my heart and thoughts today. Wishing you comfort.
I am so, so sorry for you lost. My heart is breaking for you. Please know that you can reach out, any time.
We’ve just met via a RT on twitter but I can tell from reading some of your posts that we’re going to get along well. I’m so sorry to hear of your loss today. I lost my dad over 20 years ago and miss him often. Big events and milestones are torture.
The wonderful thing about blogging is that you have a tremendous support group and I hope that you’ll find comfort in knowing that you are in the thoughts and prayers of so many people as you try to find some peace of heart now.
I am so sorry for your loss. Your family is in my prayers…
Oh, I am so sorry for your loss…and sorry I don’t have anything more comforting to say. Your words were beautifully written!
There aren’t any real words I can tell you now. I’m sorry sweets. We’re all here for you.
C – my heart hurts for you and I pray for strength and peace for you. Unexpected loss is just so… Ok, I have no words. 3 months out and I still don’t know how to explain how I feel. And the what if’s can seriously consume you to the point of suffocation; try not to let those thought creep up too often. Way easier said than done, I know.
I love you and I’m here for you. I know our losses aren’t the same, but grief is grief.
My eyes are welling up as I read this. I wish I could tell you how to cope. I think I speak for everyone when I say we would love to hear more about your beautiful mother, if you ever want to share, so that we might catch a glimpse of the life she lived. Love you, lady.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
I am sorry for your loss.
I am so very, very sorry for your loss.
I don’t have a great relationship with my mother so I am envious of the love and closeness that was so obviously shared between the two of you. This is a beautiful post.
I pray you and your family find comfort in the coming days.
C – my heart goes out to you. so so sorry. hugs from MN.
So sorry for your loss. My Mum passed away suddenly and tragically last year, very young too. No words we can say will make you feel any better. My thoughts and prayers go out to you, the kids and entire family.
There are no words to demonstrate how much you are in my thoughts right now. Please continue to reach out and let people support you. Thinking of you and your family and smiling as I think of your mom in her beautiful, peaceful ocean!
I’m so, so sorry for your loss. Hang in there.
I am so very sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry for your loss. If you need anything ANYTHING at all please let me know. My thoughts and prayers go out to your family during this time. (((HUGS)))
I am so sorry for your loss-my heart just simply goes out to you…I know that you have strength and friends and family in all sorts of ways, in all sorts of places, remember to lean on them, draw strength, love and a sort of peace from them, hold tight to your memories and let people love you and hold you…
C – Wishing you dreams on that same peaceful ocean tonight. I ache for your grieving, your loss, my friend. May love give you strength in the coming days. ~love~
C – My heart hurts with you. May you and your mom find the peace you need tonight.
C – I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to and your family. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
I’ve been thinking about you all day. There are no words to express my sadness.
Oh, I am so, so sorry to hear this news. I pray for a comfort that surpasses all understanding.
I am so sorry, Caroline. If there is anything I can do please let me know. My heart is breaking for you. I will pray for peace for you and your family.
Oh, Caroline, I’m so sorry. We only just “met” recently, but please accept my sincere condolences from one mom and daughter to another. I can’t imagine your pain right now. I pray that God will comfort you and your family during this difficult time.
I am so so sorry– your heart Im sure feels such a huge void. Praying for comfort for you & your family…& sending a huge huge hug. Blessings, Brenda @themomcave
My heartfelt condolences to you and your family. You are in my prayers.
Your old friend, Mark Ashley
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. I think that everyone,, on hearing of a personal loss like this, remembers times of grief in their own lives and can therefore empathise with you. I hope that you can find a peaceful way through these first few, so trying, days.
Thinking of you.
My thoughts are with you. Sending you love & strength. I am so sorry for your loss.
Deepest sympathies – Colleen
I am so so sorry for your loss. There are no words.
(((Hugs)))
I am so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
I am so very sorry. This news is stunning to all of us and we grieve with you. Blessings and the kindest of mercies to you and your family, my BlogHer sister.
So sorry to hear about this. I’m thinking about you and your family.
C – Honey, I am so sorry for your loss. Love and peaceful oceans to your mom and you and your family. This is such a tragic loss. My heart hurts for you. If there’s anything I can do, please let me know.
xoxo
Caroline, I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing a Mom is probably one of the hardest things. My prayers are with you and your family.
I am so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you.
So sorry to hear about your mom. Only you could write about such a hard thing with such love and a dose of humor. Hugs to you. Big, fat hugs from the days before I had breast reduction and gave better beefy hugs.
Condolences and ((hugs)) to you and your family. I am so sorry for your loss; mothers are powerful in their presence and absence.
Sending our condolences along. I am so sorry for you loss.
*hugs*
Caroline:
My thoughts are with you and your family. I hope you find peace.
Oh God I am so sorry. Prayers and blessings!!!
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. Thoughts of peace coming your way.
I am so sorry for your loss. Nothing I can possibly say can take that deep down ache you are feeling. Just know that I feel your pain and now you are part of our a very special group, the Motherless Daughters. The loss will never subside, but the pain will weaken. Just know I am here for you, if you ever want to talk. Hugs.
I am just so sorry. If you became the person I know because of your mother, than she was a wonderful woman, indeed.
I’m so tremendously sorry, Caroline. Know that I’m here for you in whatever way possible. Sending warm hugs to you and yours.
I am so very sorry. Sending strength your way.
So very, very sorry. Hoping you and your family are surrounded by much love and tenderness during this time of sorrow and rememberence.
I’m so terribly sorry for you and your family.
So sorry to hear of your loss. Praying for you and your family.
my prayers are with you
Oh honey… I just found out. I am so sorry. I am so sorry. {Hugs} aren’t anywhere near enough… but {{{hugs}}} to you. You are in my prayers, my friend…. you are in my prayers…
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