Entries Tagged 'Deep thoughts' ↓

It happened. Obama was elected president last night. How could I possibly express how extraordinarily proud of my country I am right now. It is a new chapter in our history and a moment I will never forget.

But I gotta tell ya. I am completely overwhelmed and utterly exhausted by it all. Its as if my emotional mainframe has been entirely blown out. There is so much to process about what this all means for us. In fact, as soon as I start thinking about all of it, I get choked up and totally distracted. So I stop myself and stay on task. Life must go on here – off to drop of T. at school, off to wal-mart for a new trash can, off to get flu shots…

Still, I can’t resist saying a few things today. Just a few thoughts. And then I will be on my way, to regroup and be back refreshed to post on another day.

First of all, I am struggling to really truly understand the depth of what it means to have finally elected an African American president. As we watched Obama’s speech last night and Congressman Lewisthis morning, my husband said he never thought he would see the day. I thought about it and said I had thought I would see such a day. Then I wondered why I have been so optimistic about that possibility. Well, I think its because I have seen another impossibility happen before.

On February 11, 1990, I happened to be in Johannesburg visting friends (I lived and went to high school in Swaziland at the time). Do you know what happened that day in history? Nelson Mandela was released from prison. I will never forget the sound of that entire city raised up in celebration. During my years living in its neighboring country, the impossible happened for South Africa: Apartheid was abolished, Nelson Mandela was freed and he became president. While I certainly can’t really compare the politics and complexities of the United States and South Africa, I can compare the utter joy of that day. And since then, I have believed anything is possible.

Another fleeting thought in my mind right now is how much repair this country needs. This election tore us all apart. While I listened to the radio this morning, it was as if the DJs thought Obama being elected was a sign of the end of days. There are grumblings about socialism and terrorism and baby killing. While ridiculous, I feel its a sign of fear and misunderstanding about Obama’s potential for leadership. We need to figure out a way to reconnect again and, even if Obama was not your choice, find the strength to bring ourselves back together immediately.

The realist in me won’t let me forget another very important point either. Why is it so damn important that do we bring ourselves together right now? No doubt about it, we have a hell of a lot of work to do to fix our problems. While Obama will be president, it is up to ALL of us to take responsibility and put our country back together again. Lets stop pointing fingers (Bush, Obama, McCain, Karl Rove, Cheney, either Clinton) – enough already, lets get focused and fix ourselves.

And one more thing. Bans on gay marriage passed in California, Florida and Arizona. Discrimination lives on. This is a wake-up call for all of us that nothing can be fixed over night – even a night as amazing as last night. We need to keep working and pushing forward to assure equal rights for every American. It’s only a mandate in our constitution after all…

Finally I will leave you with this video of Obama’s victory speech last night. What a moment in our history. Once again, I am deeply proud to be an American this morning.

(Phew. And I am really so damn tired. More from me – more fun stuff from me, I promise – once I reboot this worn out, run down, over thought system of mine.)

This week, Christina Applegate shared with the public that she has undergone a prophylactic double mastectomy. A month ago, she confirmed that she did have breast cancer and also tested positive for the BRCA1 gene mutation, which means she may have as high as an 85% chance of developing breast cancer and a 55% chance of developing ovarian cancer. Yikes. So Christina chose to have both breasts removed to assure her recovery from breast cancer; she is also beginning the long and painful process of breast reconstruction. (An excellent and informative article about Christina’s process of a double mastectomy and reconstruction can be found here. Please read!)

I have to say, reading about her choice has had me sitting and thinking.

(Sidebar: What is it about hearing “real life” stories from a celebrity that makes something like breast cancer more real? I am kind of annoyed at myself for that but, regardless, she got me thinking about my boobs again.)

You all know I have a special little closet in the back of my mind where I store all of my breast cancer stress. So, Christina and her recent news have led me back to my little closet to nervously peer inside there once again.

Hi boobs of mine! How ya doing? Ok. So. Any lumps today? (Quick self exam… no lumps… oh HI, the neighborhood crazy guy is walking by. Yes and I’m in front of the window. Hello, I am feeling myself, now go back to being crazy…) So yeah, breasts of mine, whats going to happen to you? Do you have anything you want to tell me? Any gene mutations you might want to share with me? Yes? No? Do I need to go in there and check for myself?

Now as I have mentioned before, while I have had stacks of breast cancer in my family, it has all occurred post menopausal. And, my understanding is that none of my relatives have tested positive for this gene mutation. But. There is always a but. Does that mean I shouldn’t get myself tested for it? My doctor gave me a little pamphlet about it at my last GYN exam. It’s certainly not an impossibility. Again, we have stacks of breast cancer in my family. Something is up. And even assuming the best case scenario with negative test results, that doesn’t mean I won’t get breast cancer eventually anyway.

In fact, I even happened to check out a little Breast Cancer Risk Assessment Tool found at the cancer.gov website. And here’s what they told me:

5 Year risk

• This woman (age 35) 0.6%
• Average woman (age 35): 0.3%

Explanation

Based on the information provided (see below), the woman’s estimated risk for developing invasive breast cancer over the next 5 years is 0.6% compared to a risk of 0.3% for a woman of the same age and race/ethnicity from the general U.S. population. This calculation also means that the woman’s risk of NOT getting breast cancer over the next 5 years is 99.4%.

Lifetime Risk

• This woman (to age 90): 19.7%
• Average woman (to age 90): 12.6%

Explanation

Based on the information provided (see below), the woman’s estimated risk for developing invasive breast cancer over her lifetime (to age 90) is 19.7% compared to a risk of 12.6% for a woman of the same age and race/ethnicity from the general U.S. population.

Not horrible results. Just a 7% chance more than the average woman. But they only asked for first-degree relatives, so they only noted my mother. They didn’t take into account my aunt (two lumpectomies), my grandmother (one mastectomy and one lumpectomy), or my grandfather’s sister who died from breast cancer. I’m just saying. It’s a small, very general internet tool. I should hardly be lulled into a comfy “only 7% increased chance” sense of security.

When friends hear about my breast cancer history, they sit right up and start fretting. And often they do ask me “Would you ever consider a double mastectomy? If it could possibly save your life, if it could mean you wouldn’t have to face even post menopausal breast cancer, why wouldn’t you consider it? Don’t you want to be around for your family?”

(Hmmm, I wonder if this is actually my conscious talking. I’m suspicious. It sure sounds a LOT like her.)

But, ok. Chop my boobs off? I mean, c’mon. Wow. Yikes. Owch. I just. I mean. …I don’t *WANT* to! (Insert “whine” here.)

My breasts, while hardly heaving masses of flesh attracting eyes for miles around, have been really good to me. They fit my frame, they have never been in the way (now THAT’S a “glass is half full” way to look at my size B size A cups), and they are kinda cute. Well, they were at least before I breastfed my kids. But, THAT is their greatest feat yet. My girls, petite as they are, managed to nourish my two wonderful boys for 14 months each. They gave me an awesome supply and they withstood the abuse they endured from freakishly hungry babies. I feel some solidarity for all that we have been through.

Granted, they could just turn around and stab me in the back someday with a sudden small possibly metastasizing lump. Shoot. They could just up and kill me.

Ugh.

So, Christina Applegate has got me thinking about them. And chopping them off. I’m certainly not ready for something so dire and don’t have any current reason to consider it yet. (Like a tree falling in the woods, if you don’t test for a gene, is it still there?)  I suppose I will hold on to them for now. Keep doing my breast checks, getting mammograms and hassling my doctor.

I may even do that gene test after all. I want to know.

And if a double mastectomy were ever something I should seriously consider, I would absolutely weigh the options. So, friends and conscious of mine, I would do it if I had to. 

As long as I could get the perfect size B cups size C cups (which would still fit my frame. Sure. Absolutely. And I bet my husband would agree wholeheartedly).

(Another Sidebar: Reconstructive surgery is not the instant fix for a mastectomy that you might think it is. It can take over a year or more of painful surgery to bring your breasts back to fighting form. In the article I referenced above and noted here, Dr. Avisar is even quoted as saying about reconstructive surgery: “The majority of patients … don’t go the whole 9 yards. …Many of them never come back to have the nipple and areola reconstructed. They are just tired and they have had enough.” Reconstructing two breasts after a mastectomy is not, by any means, your typical boob job.)

Finally, I just want to give a shout out to all of the bloggers out there supporting efforts to prevent breast cancer. I am a bit late to the party here but I would like to spread some breast cancer linky love.

First of all, if you ever want to raise money for Breast Cancer awareness, please visit the Susan G. Komen For the Cure website. In case you have been living on the moon and didn’t know, there are annual runs and walks to raise money for the cure.

Also, a fellow blogger at Toddler Planet has done amazing work spreading awareness about her own fight with inflammatory breast cancer (symptoms for this form of breast cancer are not lumps as you would expect). Please read her story here. She also has a wonderful section of her blog dedicated to how to help a friend who has been diagnosed with breast cancer with excellent links and suggestions. Read this information here. She has a group of bloggers – team WhyMommy - supporting her. Bloggers such as Dirt and Noise raced for the cure in her honor.

And what, in my humble opinion, do I think is the best way to spread breast cancer awareness? Well, blogging of course! Here are some great breast cancer blogs that I found through Jayne’s Breast Cancer Blog. (I am sure there are hundreds more out there too):

My Breast Cancer Blog
Mothers with Cancer
A Different Road Altogether
Biography of Breast Cancer
Can I be Pretty in Pink?
Gotta Keep on Keepin’ On
Reconstruct This
So, is Today a Good Day?

And I am loving the “Save the Ta-Tas” gear found here too, buy something.

Do you have any other important links to share? Post them.

Keep feeling those boobies, girls. I know I am regularly feeling mine. And holding on to mine – for dear life.

(Note: The image above was taken from The Breast Cancer Fund website.)

Vivian, of Liberal Life for the Navy Wife, posted on Momocrats a couple days ago. The subject? Christianity and Liberalism. A good conversation took place in the comments following and I briefly jumped in there myself to talk a bit about my issues (Sigh, why do I always make it about me? I’ll save that for another soul searching post). She so graciously replied and was very helpful – thanks again Vivian! But her post has lead to further discussions with my husband, deep thoughts in the shower and considerable mumbling to myself that now must spill out onto this blog. So, once again folks, here’s a little window into my current state of thinking.

Religion is an extremely personal issue. And because it is something based on faith- logic or rational thinking don’t always apply. I wouldn’t know where to begin to comment about the influence it’s had on the history of humankind, the making and breaking of nations or how it has inspired both violent wars and beautful acts of humanity. To say that it plays a part in modern day politics is an understatement to say the least.

Meanwhile, little ol’ me, landed on this planet 35 years ago. I was raised Protestant, attended a Catholic elementary and middle school and had the opportunity to live in two seperate Muslim countries for 5 of my developmental years. I love the Christian traditions of Christmas and Easter, I appreciate the beauty and ritual of Catholic mass and I find comfort when I hear the Muslim call to prayer.

Little ol’ me also seemed born to be a democrat, wearing a Mondale pin in 6th grade at Catholic school; my republican father was at a loss.

I consider myself both a spiritual person and a political person. I believe in God and have a fairly liberal value system. I totally think Jesus was a cool guy - the original hippie - bringing love, acceptance and really impressive miracles to anyone ready to listen. But Buddha seemed like an amazing guy too, and Mohammad. And so, in my own little way, I do unto others, try not to covet and love my neighbor, rich, poor, gay, Yankee fan, Red Sox fan (go sox), whatevs.

But here’s the problem for me. As a spiritual person, I think I should be able to find a place to worship God in my own right. And even more importantly, as my husband and I watch our children grow up,  we want our two little boys to grasp the concept of religion, hear the stories of the bible and have a solid understanding about morality. But as an open-minded, liberal, Obama voting, (technically) Christian woman living in Florida, I can’t find a church to worship in to save my life (so to speak).

There are plenty of Catholic churches – tried and true, with unchanged traditions carried on for generations. But not for me.

There are endless protestant based churches, teaching the bible as literal truth with members eager to save my soul. Not for me.

And here’s the thing. If a liberal minded mommy like me were to drive into the parking lot of the majority of churches in these parts with my Obama, HRC and peace stickers trailing behind me on the bumper of my car… would I be tagged as a lost soul? A heathen?

Oh man. But, how come? Because I am pro-choice? Is it because I think Obama is the man? Am I going to hell because I think there should be women priests and homosexual couples should be allowed to marry? I just get this feeling, this little inkling, that I wouldn’t quite fit in. And I am quite sure I wouldn’t want to.

Please understand, I respect any person’s choice to worship as they may. Go for it, enjoy God the best way you see fit. I just bristle when my liberal values translate to others that I am NOT fit to worship and that God has no place in my life. There seems to be a lot of judging going on in church, and its not happening from the Man (or Woman) upstairs either.

Because here’s the thing, I have never felt more in tune with God in my life. I find true comfort in my beliefs that ALL people are equal. I feel right at home when a community is inclusive of all ideals and lifestyles. I think it makes a lot of sense to God that we pray for a peaceful end to this war. Having “green” values is a way to honor our planet. Come on now, I have a right to God as much as anyone else does. 

So why am I having a problem finding a church? I honestly think politics has taken the organized Christian churches away from a lot of families like ours. Right or wrong, Christians have been recently deemed as right-winged, republican, conservative folk. Nothing like me at all. When people say “Jesus Saves”, I have to wonder if there is an asterisks by it saying “as LONG as you follow OUR very specific, kind of exclusive rules”.  C’mon, I am pretty sure Jesus is cool with everyone, I mean EVERYONE. Even me.

So here my family sits, homeless and in need of a place to worship. I am tired of not knowing how to explain religion to my children. I fumble around with the birth story of Jesus at Christmas time. I don’t even GO there with his death around Easter - I just keep it to bunnies and purdy eggs. We don’t even have a bible in our home. I mean, this is rediculous! If we want to be liberal Christians, why can’t we?

Now I know, if I search hard and long, I will find something. Vivian even told me about Unity Churches and, wouldn’t you know it, there is one not far from here! I am tentatively looking into it. Unitarian churches are other good options, but there aren’t many around here. My good friend who recently moved back east, used to attend Glide Church in San Francisco and found an extraordinary community there. I told her to send a mission to Florida.

This topic has been a tough one for me. Like I said, Religion is so damn personal. I worry about offending. I worry about making generalizations. I worry about judging others unfairly while I have no right to. I worry I don’t know a damn thing about this topic and should really educate myself more. I worry I have accepted the assumption that Christianity is only for the conservative - and have given up too easily. I worry that even if I found a place for our family, we couldn’t give enough time to it anyway.

But, in this discussion, I am giving it my best shot. I am just little ol’ me, wanting to stay true to my own value system, searching for a community with like minded folk and hopefully, someday, offering my children the gift of spirituality.  Yup, little ol’me, merely trying to get my head around what exactly that cool, peace loving, open-minded guy named Jesus would do.

I have this thing about karma. Or at least I have a thing about my own pseudo-semi-spiritual notion of what it means. My kind of karma, the “Caroline” definition of Karma (and forgive me real karma people for butchering it’s true meaning) is to give and give and give. And when you give, you will get back what you deserve. I also know karma is about balance and for every good there is a bad. Yin, yang, good, bad, bladdy bladdy blah. But I am completely down with my little karma concept in that we just have to take care of one another and the universe will be sure you get yours in the long run.

So, then I went to BlogHer. (I know I know, I am talking about it again. But one post this conference does not suffice. I think this might be the last one though, ok?) And, while I sat in sessions and kept a fairly low profile, the gears in my brain were working overtime to absorb and learn as much as I possibly could. I think the session that Kacey summarizes nicely might be my greatest inspiration, but I seemed to pick this concept up more and more throughout all of the sessions I attended and after the many conversations I had.

And now, a few weeks have passed, and I want to share the big lesson, the big “ah-ha”, light bulb going over my head, bit of knowledge that has bubbled up to the surface of my brain and truly enlightened me. That lesson is:

A good blogger practices good blogger karma.

(Cue bright beam of light on my blog, angels singing from above.)

And what do I mean by that? Well, you may have heard what I am talking about in slightly more down to earth terms but I am going to put a spiritual spin on it here. So, after all that listening and stewing, this is how I think one practices good blogger karma.

A good blogger should reach out, make time for and respect the community of bloggers you are writing amongst. As anti-social as writing by yourself at your computer may seem, let’s face it, blogging is a community oriented mode of expression. And for your blog to succeed, you need to care about the bloggers around you. Because they are there, reading you, watching you, and considering what you have to say. So for as much time as you might spend on your own blog (writing, tinkering, stat watching, widgeting or what have you), you should spend an equal amount of time reading and reaching out to other bloggers. To achieve true blogger karma, you might want to consider the following:

• Comments: Visit blogs, read them well, and make a smart comment. Care about the blogs you read.
• Link: If you really were inspired by another blog, be sure to link to it in yours. Give it the public props it deserves
• If you are on twitter, and you enjoyed someone else’s post, link your followers to it on Twitter. Don’t get too caught up on linking to your posts all the time on twitter either
• Join and load up Stumble It. And then click on “I like it” for any posts you read that you like. Take the time to add the categories and tags approprite to that post
• Add your favorite blogs to your blogroll
• Be nice and reach out to other bloggers by email, twitter, comments or through any of the various community networks

Again, I know most of you have probably heard this all before. But do we all really take just as much time to reach out to other bloggers as we do to our own blog? That’s hard to do, right? But you really need to care about those other bloggers. A lot. You need to give them credit and pay their posts forward. Perform random acts of blogging kindness. Comment. Twitter, Stumble It. Kirtsy it. Email. Post it on Facebook. Just give your energy, your time and your heart, dammit. You have nothing to lose and so much blogging karma to gain.

I remember when I first started blogging, and I thought it seemed extremely self-involved. I mean, c’mon. Writing endless paragraphs about stuff I am thinking about, and then pushing a button to put it out there for the web-savvy masses to read? Did I REALLY think I had anything THAT important to say? I felt like it was a tad self-indulgant and felt a little embarressed I would assume my writing would and should be read.

But now, this new concept of blogging karma has been a wonderful bit of enlightenment. It helps me feel more justified to ramble on about my own semi-brilliant thoughts in a blog post when I know I will do my bit to support other blogs once I’m done. What a relief that is to me.

And sure, you don’t HAVE to practice blogging karma. You can write your stuff and do your thing and twitter about yourself all day (like I have today… Did you hear? C. pooped in the potty!) and maybe occasionally check out some post here and there that got your attention… but then what are you learning, really? And, will your blog grow at all? And, lets not forget – what I know you probably care about most - WILL people really come check your blog out if you don’t bother to check out theirs? Just consider it, ok?

Now that being said, ENOUGH ABOUT ME. (ha… I crack myself up.) I am off to peruse the wonderful world of smart bloggers everywhere. I will wave my Stumble It wand and sprinkle well thought out comments everywhere….

Ugh, ok. All this positive “be good to your fellow blogger” crap might have just reached it saturation point and is getting to be a touch much. Even for me. (gag.)

But you know what I mean.

Just get out there and go be nice.

During one of these “not so beach weather” days, my family and I took a drive up to Provincetown to poke around. It’s a favorite spot of mine, where you’ll find generations of Portuguese fishermen and historical homes along side contemporary restaurants and galleries. A place where you will find couples walking hand in hand down the street, in open adoration of one another, whether they be grandparents in fanny packs or gay men in assless chaps. Open, welcoming, cool stores, cute New England charm and the perfect solution for an otherwise dreary day.

Provincetown is also home to my favorite book store of all time. A far cry from Barnes and Nobles or Amazon.com, Tim’s Used Books is a little gem. A home converted into a bookstore, it is nestled off the main road, awaiting avid readers of every persuasion. I was thrilled to get a chance to visit once again. I put in my request for a quick 15 minute respite of “me time” and my dear husband took the kids to go look at boats.

I stepped through the doorway and was in my glory. As I wandered around, stacks upon stacks upon shelves upon shelves of books greeted me. There were hand written labels here and there on shelves declaring some level of organization. But really, it’s a place to wander quietly, shuffle about lost in your thoughts and find that wonderful book you’ve always wanted, gently used and reasonably price. I found two. While not book titles I had always wanted, they were of interest. Both “self help” books of sorts to help myself with two loves of mine: raising boys and writing. I knew very little about either title but they might be something to curl up with if the rain refused to cease but, miraculously, my children’s wrestling did.

When I was ready to pay for my treasures, I found a woman reading next to a very old register at the front of the store.

“Oh, you’re interested in non-fiction writing.”

Shyly (I felt a bit outed) I replied “…Um, yeah, I guess.”

“Well, the key is to use a lot of description. That’s really all it is.”

(Sidebar: Use a lot of description? Uh-huh. And if that’s what I have done so far in this post, I hardly consider this a successful tact in a blog. All this chatter about P-Town and you all don’t even know what my point IS yet, do you? My guess is that she soooo doesn’t know very much about blogging, now does she?)

And then, oh so confident, the woman at the till exclaimed that she was, in fact, a writer. And then, while she hand wrote the titles of my books in a log next to her, she read the various names of the non-fiction writers I would be reading about outloud – some of whom had been in that very store.

“Oh, well. I am kind of new to this writing thing anyway. I am actually blogging now so… I am just trying to get better… um… you know…. express myself…”

She stopped what she was doing and looked up at me.

“Oh. Blogging. Well, I don’t write for free.”

And with that, this smug bookstore keeper – oh I’m sorry - this smug writer, sent my post-BlogHer brain into a spin of questions.

Is writing for free really such a bad thing? Is there a point to blogging for free? What IS this blogging thing for? Why do I spend so much time doing this anyway? And is blogging considered a legitimate form of writing? Is it respected out there amongst “real” writers?

After all the time and energy I have focused over the past few months on blogging, where the hell am I going with this?

Now, not every blogger writes for free. During the conference, there was a great deal of discussion about how to make money from blogging. Whether that be advertisements, blogging for specific companies or snagging an elusive book deal, all of my fellow conference attendees seemed to be scrambling to learn how to grab their piece of the pie.

(Forgive me, another sidebar: I have a theory. While I went to Blogher on someone else’s dime – again thank you wonderful BlogHer women – I know my fellow conference attendees got a fair amount of crap for going to this conference. I heard time and again how loved ones asked fellow bloggers why they were spending money to attend a conference about something you do for free. So my guess is that most of the women there, while adoring their blog, felt some sense of responsibility to learn how to earn a buck while doing so and then tell their significant others that’s why they attended this conference in the first place. Shoot, I was at those sessions too, I get it.)

Regardless, even as I sat in those sessions, I know I ultimately struggled with the whole focus on blogging for money. And after reading Slouching Mom’s recent post, I am obviously no the only one. I worry what happens to the integrity of the blog once the author starts writing for money. Does it stop being a love and start being more of a grind?

…I gotta get more advertisers, I gotta get my readership up, I gotta write something everyone will like, I gotta write everyday…

If it’s that much work, it’s just not fun anymore, is it?

But let me be clear. If I could blog and be paid enough for one trip to the grocery store or one trip to fill up my Saturn or make enough to pay one monthly electric bill… cha-ching. What a glorious thing even that little bit would be. And if a fellow blogger manages to make more than that? Well, you go, more power to you. If I could be so lucky. As long as the heart of that blog remains and the money is just a nice benefit on the side, be the blogging business you wanna be.

But still, I find myself back at my starting point. Blogging for a tank of gas is hardly a job. And it’s hardly justification for the hours I spend writing, editing, thinking and hunched over my computer.

And to underscore my point, do you know how long this post has taken me to write? I have two children. I am in charge of them. THAT is my job. Blogging away hours of my day is NOT my job.

So where am I going with this? While I used to write some copy for my previous real-life job (many moons ago before kids), I have never been officially paid as a true freelance writer. Apart from my undergraduate liberal arts degree (in Neuroscience and behavior – super helpful in real life, no?) I don’t have any degrees or official documents stating that I can write. And I wouldn’t know where to begin to start as an official writer. All I got is my new used book about how to write and this little self serving blog. Where I write. FOR FREE.

I guess I am just having a bad blogging day. 

I guess I have had to explain where I was last weekend a little too often.

“What kind of conference was that?” “What exactly IS blogging?” “Where do you even find time to do something like that?” “Don’t you worry about sexual predators stalking you and your family on the internet?”

Oy.

As a quick reminder to myself, I know there are so many reasons why I blog which do justify all the time and effort I have invested here. There is no price tag on sanity, right? Blogging has given a little bit of that back to me. You all have heard it before, it has released me from the circular mommy groundhog day that I was living in. It is an extremely satisfying creative outlet indeed. So yay me. I should keep doing it. And I will keep doing it. And all the planets, and stars and signs are telling me I MUST do it.

But I think it’s ok to question it. And truly determine why it is that we do blog before we are peppered with questions about it, before we sign on for advertisements, and before we run into smug shopkeepers that don’t quite get it. Like some sort of blogger’s mission statement, we should all carve out, own and proudly display our reasons to blog.

Cripes, I think I might even write a mission statement. Anyone else interested in doing so? If you are, post it below. I need a little inspiration today.

And in my next post – which may not be fore a few days now – I hope to recapture the energy and excitement of BlogHer 08 and link (which is blogger lingo for “introduce”) you to some really amazing women I happened to meet. I need to remember and just get PSYCHED again, dammit.

Because we should not have to apologize for blogging. Even if it’s for free. Blogging regularly makes us better writers. Blogging for nothing means we truly love to write. Blogging is taking the first ammendment to heart. Blogging should never be exploited or biased. Blogging doesn’t have editors hasseling you over your every word. Blogging shoots straight from the hip and is as honest as anything you will ever find. Blogging is something to be respected - not snubbed.

Well, enough from me today. It is 4:30 in the afternoon, we leave tomorrow and the sun has finally come out. Can you believe this? Time to actually go find the bathing suits and untangle my wrestling boys on the floor next to me.

My parting words? Blog it, mean it, love it and then leave it. Now finally, off to the beach.

When you think “vacation”, fun images of beaches, watermelon and relatives usually come to mind. What probably doesn’t come to mind is an hour spent in a dusty third floor office in Western Massachusetts talking to a Medium. Yeah, that’s what I said, a Medium. You know, the John Edwards, Sylvia Brown, “I see dead people” kind of person that I would bet 75% of most folks think are a scam? Yup, I met with one yesterday. Some months ago, my wonderful aunt had a reading with this woman at a gathering with friends. After being fairly amazed by her experience, she signed both of us up for a reading while I was in town. So, my HIGHLY skeptical, grumbling husband (“if you guys leave there with both of your purses, I’ll be amazed…”) dropped me off for a kid -free evening of talking to those on the Other Side. Intrigued? Come on, admit you are. I sure was.

Now before I go on, let me just lay down my own kind of disclaimer of sorts. I am not into the occult or anything remotely evil. I believe in God, goodness, karma and know there is something beyond here more wonderful than anything we know here. And while I am spiritual in nature, I also don’t claim to assume I know diddly-squat about anything in God’s ‘hood. I’ve got no idea about what he’s (um… could be SHE!) is up to or what might happen to us once we are no longer living here. So I am open to anything because I am a humble enough to know that we simple humans can’t know everything, can we? No way. So, if there is a possibility that our loved ones may want to chat with us from the other side, well so be it. Who am I to stop them? Who am I to say it couldn’t happen? So, I was game and ready. A psychic reading? Bring it!

My aunt and I arrived a little early for our reading and sat down in a sparsely decorated waiting room. There were small prints of angels here and there. A water cooler, a plant, a carpeted floor, a window and one bee lazily buzzing about the ceiling. I was nervous. I wasn’t sure what to expect. Maybe at any moment a woman named Zorba with a scarf wrapped around her head, a thick Albanian accent and long decorated nails who would swoop into the room and beckon us forward while whispering mysteriously ”zeees way…”. Or maybe we’d be meeting with a ”Whoopi Goldberg from Ghost” type of clairvoyant? Could be! Helllooooo Patrick Swayze, come send me a message! Or what if we were about to meet another version of the notorious  Miss Cleo, psychic reader and sham queen of all sham queens? 1-800-I’ll take your money, thank you VERY much. Oy, what were we getting ourselves into? But actually, a very nice welcoming woman came in and introduced herself. She was kind and quiet, possibly even a bit shy. Hardly a Zorba or Whoopi type, she had us follow her into her room which was small but comfortable. We found three chairs, a table stacked with various decks of tarot cards and one lone pink crystal. We sat down. She smiled. I took a deep breath. Ok, let’s do this.

She asked my aunt and I to pick some cards from a deck of our choice and she laid them out. But then, as she was looking over our cards, she almost bashfully claimed that “well, it seems that we will start with our medium reading first.” She then admited that a woman, who had already passed, had been with her on the ride over. She looked up at us and said ”you two are related” (it wasn’t a question), and this woman was connected to us both – either as a mother or grandmother figure. And we were off.

Now I could go on about the entire hour’s worth of what was said, but it may not mean much to you since you would not have any reference point about their validity. But I will say that I was surprised by the strange bits of accuracy she laid out before us. My first memory of my grandmother was mentioned – a moment when she gave me a plastic butterfly which only I remember. Odd little, random details, personalities, habits, funny intricacies about people we knew who had passed all came forward. Some things we could not place or find a connection with. Other things dawned on us on the car ride home. And there were even moments that stopped us dead on our tracks. How could she know that? How could anyone?

And during those moments, when it seemed in fact my great uncle or stubborn grandmother was coming through, I felt right at home with it. It never scared me, I never felt overwhelmed by it, in fact I felt quite familiar with the whole scene. Of COURSE one grandmother would be hogging the spotlight more than the other. Of COURSE my great aunt was still gossipy. Of COURSE Uncle Bill didn’t have his pants on. Somethings never change. And I mean NEVER.

So how do I feel walking away from my experience? Do I think it was all a sham, like assuming it could only be card trickery when she popped up the ”animal” tarot card right after mentioning my last dog was in the room with us? And do I think the details she gave could have been relatable to ANY family really? Or am I, in fact, sold on the science of clairvoyance and will I refuse to make my next career, financial or parenting move without the advice of my personal psychic?

No on both accounts.

Let’s put it this way, I simply feel more affirmed in my beliefs about life after death. I do think she said some things that certainly made me want to jump up and say to the empty space in front of me ”What-up Grandma!” I also think there were times where she rambled on about a topic to give me comfort but wasn’t sure whose advice this was, my Great Aunt Elva’s… or hers.

However, I also think that even if the connections we made were for real (and, seriously, I think they were), I also think there is certainly a human factor influencing the reading. The Medium seemed to put her own bias or interpretation on what she was getting at times. And, of course, so did I. When she said a grandmother was mentioning “The Flintstones” being connected to a male name, the Medium kept thinking Barney or Fred or something to do with stones – and we left confused. We had had no idea what this meant. But later, as I was falling asleep last night, I remembered my father’s nickname growing up had been “Rock”. Have I made a leap here? Or was this the reference my grandmother was trying to make? The Medium interpreted that information one way and I interpreted it another. The human factor is unavoidable. So if you are able to interpret the diffused information correctly and glean its meaning, then a reading like this might work for you. If you are expecting to sit down and get a direct Skype link to your parent on the other side and chat about what you’re making for dinner, then don’t bother. That’s not how it works.

Finally, I will leave you with a few tips that she gave me. Take them for what you will, but I will only ask that you keep an open mind about this world around you. Our limited five senses do a fair job picking up the empirical information we receive. But just as we miss seeing certain levels of light or we miss hearing certain ranges of sound, we should only expect that we may not perceive all the various forms of energy around us everyday.

Tips for reaching out to your own passed on, however still pantsless, Uncle Bill:

• A person’s spirit still keeps the same personality on the other side that they had here. The louder family members always tend to come through first.
• If a family member was skeptical of Mediums or psychic readings on this side, they will be on the Other side – so don’t expect them to come through very quickly if at all.
• If you are open to signs and communication from your loved ones, they will very often work very hard to reach out to you.
• They often reach us through electricity since they are energy also.
• If you are open to communicating with the other side, expect to receive messages from loved ones of your skeptical friends.
• Animals pass on also and visit often.
• There is no pain, worry, guilt or unhappiness on the other side. Our loved ones are able to resolve their troubles after death.

SO. Yeaaaah. If my more skeptical readers haven’t already groaned and Xed out of my blog never to return, I promise, I will try to get back to more meat-n-potatoes and less hocus pocus in the future, for now. (Hey, at least I DID catch up with some more relatives, however unexpected, this vaca after all.) Thanks for reading and we will now resume our normally scheduled blogging and vacation activities.  I’m off to set up the slip-n-slide.

Have you ever paid attention to the universe around you? I mean, REALLY paid attention? I am not sure if it’s something supernatural, something religious, something mystical, spiritual, or a big mish mash of hocus pocus mumbo jumbo, but if we are paying close close attention, the universe does send us signals. And, while taking the risk of sounding completely coo-coo for cocoa puffs, I have a feeling the Powers That Be are trying to tell me something. And I’m not getting subtle smoke signals in the distance either. Something big has been laying down a runway, with lights, and huge arrows, and blinking neon signs with the words “GO THIS WAY” all in caps, and all the gods and goddesses and wonderful souls that watch over me are jumping up and down at the end of that runway screaming: “C’mon! Yoooo whooo!!!! Over here… OVER HERE!!!!”

I know, this is a nut-so idea. I know it sounds like I’ve been spending a liiiitle too much time sniffing my kids markers. But, for real, I believe it. So let me tell you what’s going on.

I started blogging about 5 months ago. And reading back in my recent post about thanking Blog Her, you know I feel extraordinarily humbled by the fantastic opportunity I was given to attend Blog Her. It felt as if the universe opened itself up and dropped this trip in my lap. I was completely caught off guard and have been beyond appreciative. It’s honestly all I have been thinking about over the past couple of weeks. I just can’t wait. And right about when I found out I could go to Blog Her, I think that runway vaguely seemed to be coming into view.

And then it happened to me again yesterday. The universe opened itself up and dropped another fantastic opportunity in my lap. I was contacted by a PR firm representing HP and Microsoft to try out some of their products and bring them to Blog Her. What kind of products? Ohhhhh…. a laptop and video camera. For me. To use. No strings. Just see if you like them. And I don’t even have a laptop (remember, my 6 million dollar computer pieced together with parts, some dating back as far as 8 years?) and then - a video camera? Are you kidding me? I just about fainted dead away. Yup, the runway is clearly blazing with super mega watt lights. *Bing* *bing* *bing*, this way, this way, this way!

So, ok, I’ve got a free trip to this conference. And then just when I was feeling like HOW could I ever POSSIBLY be cool enough at BlogHer without a laptop but, whatevs, I’ll figure it out… um… one is now being magically delivered to me? Yup. Poof, the universe drops one from the sky. Of course.

And then there has been the support for this blog. The wonderful comments and unsolicited encouragement I’ve recieved, well, I am immensely grateful. I have made new friends and have learned amazing tips from other blogs that I have incorporated into my life. Yup, I take this positive experience and the amazing connections created with fellow bloggers as another sign. It’s honestly as clear as day, right? No doubt, the Powers That Be are absolutely doing their “over here dance” at the end of that runway.

Maybe you’d call it luck. Or a crazy coincidence. Or serendipity. Or Karma (that would be nice). Or something from a religion you believe. Whatever it is, something BIG is trying to tell me something IMPORTANT. And what do I think that is? BLOG. Write. Create. Keep doing this. If you blog it, they will come. For real folks. I think this is what some people might describe as: “A CALLING”

Too many magic (they don’t call ‘em magic for nothing) markers, I know, I know. But I had to share what’s rattling ’round in my brain. It’s what bloggers do, right?

And that’s the other thing. You see, when good things happen to me, I need to acknowledge it publicly. Why? Because I am truly grateful. I need to call right back up to that hole in the universe, where so many things seemed to have fallen out of recently, and say THANK YOU.

So those are my deep thoughts for the day. And you know I will be looking “fly” with my new gear at BlogHer too, just be sure to come over and smack me if I seem a tad too smug. But what’s more likely is that you’ll have no trouble spotting me from a far. Why? Well, I’ll be the one in some crazy hat that has a sign on it blinking “THANK YOU” out at the world around me.

I’ll let you know if that hole in the universe opens up again. Shoot, a nice family sized hybrid might fall out of there next! But in the meantime, I am going to be paying attention to these signs around me and keep heading down the path I seem to be on. It’s certainly well lit, there’s no trouble there. So, I hate to tell ya folks, blogging it is. I’m going to be around awhile.

I have only read one book about Feng Shui (Lillian Too’s 168 Feng Shui Ways to Declutter Your Home , and it was great, I recommend it highly) - so as as result, I will hardly call myself even a Feng Shui novice. I do find theories of Chinese medicine, Buddhism, Taoism and the rest of it extraordinarily interesting, even if half of it flies over my way too westernized, white bread head. But I have gleaned some very basic seeds of wisdom from reading that one book and cruising around various websites. I’d even go so far as to say that I’ve been officially enlightened. How, you ask? I have learned how to get myself out of a very bad mood. And THAT, my friends, is magic in a bottle. Want to know how I do it? I will share my insights.

To bring Caroline out of a deep and dark bitchtastic funk – usually brought on by PMS, money stress, parenting stress, random guilt stress, exhaustion or a combination of all five - I must bring together three important elements. And they are:

1. LIGHT. First thing I do is run around my house and open every curtain I can. I throw open the sliding door and let that clean bright light and air pour in. If it’s night, I will light candles that have a bright open flame and put them dead center of the counter top, coffee table or where ever I can see it. (If the kids are still awake – groan – keep that candle up high and hope their bedtime procrastination rituals don’t cancel out the candle’s small bit of healing power.) I will also point out that a nice smelling candle certainly helps and I give props to any aromatherapy that might be curing what ails me also.
2. MUSIC. I then put on the most relaxing, uplifting music I have. Sometimes Jazz does the trick, or India Arie, or even reggae can do wonders. Something positive. While I may feel tempted to put on my brooding chick playlist (Ani DiFranco, Alanis Morrisette, Sarah McLaughlin, Amy Winehouse), I avoid it. Positive, happy, upbeat music ONLY.
3. WATER. I am so very lucky to have some fresh water ponds out back which truly bring me peace. (I’m not so lucky when gators take refuge there but lets not focus on that part, positive thoughts, right?) When my kids make me nuts, I walk onto my back porch (and throw them to the gators – I’m kidding!) – I just take it in. It’s quite something to just look at water. The reflections, the sounds around it, the smells, it all soothes me. The same thing happens at the beach or on a boat. If you don’t have this sort of access, take a bath. Or possibly invest in one of those small fountains that trickle water. And don’t rule out hydrating yourself too. They say we should drink 8 large glasses of water a day. It will keep us awake, energized and peeing like a mad woman on the half hour. However you find water in your day, it helps, I swear it does.

That’s it. Those three. Put them together and it’s a guaranteed fix for “mean Caroline”. And if all of those three still don’t work? I usually delve deeper into the water element. Did you know there is water in wine? Its true, a scientifically proven fact. So I pour myself a healthy sized glass of Pinot and call my best friend to bitch, with my light, music and water going on all around me. Now *THAT* always always does the trick.

These are my mystical insights for today. Be well, prosper and all that stuff.

Of all that may be supernatural, UFOs rattle my cage the most. And, as it turns out, there may have been one seen in my home town a few weeks ago. My husband told me about the sighting this past Friday night. It was ‘Earth Hour” and, as responsible environmental citizens, my husband and I spent the time sitting out on our porch, with candles, some wine, grilling our dinner and checking out the stars. We had been thinking back about seeing a space shuttle night launch from our porch, when he mentioned that his players had seen a video posted on YouTube of a UFO witnessed here in our home town.  

WHAT!!!  

That was all it took. I raced off to the computer (it was actually past earth hour by this point so felt justified to use electricity… but I still kept the lights off) and immediately pulled up YouTube. And there it was. Someone commented that it might be a hot air balloon, a sight that is very common in our area. But my mind raced: Why fly at night? And why can’t we see the balloon’s flame at its center? Another post claims it is a new sort of plane being tested at a nearby Air Force base. But finally, a post agrees that it is a U.F.O. and one was in fact seen in Brazil at the exact same time. Oh terrific. 

Deep in thought, I padded back out to our dark porch and took a healthy gulp of my wine. You must understand that ghosts, psychic phenomenon, and most paranormal occurrences don’t really frighten me. (I actually 100% believe in their existence and embrace all bumps in the night – but I will save my thoughts on that for another post.) U.F.O.s, on the other hand, just give me a legitimate case of the heebie jeebies. 

Here’s the thing about U.F.O.s. Their possibility represents the overwhelming prospect of the “unknown” in its truest form. The scientist in me gets right to the facts. If this universe is really so enormous and infinite, even a novice statistician (that would be me) can work out that it is very unlikely we are the only living beings in existence.  My husband argued that while there may be life, it may also be in a much simpler form. Who says? That may be true in some cases but we can not assume we are the most advanced beings out there. Now the philosophical and spiritual guru in me steps forward (am attaching the white beard, and throwing on ancient looking robes)… Who are we to say what, who, or where we are in the universal context of things? The only living beings? The most advanced? Unlikely. Your faith tells you God made us in his image. Well, then, he/she is quite brilliant, correct? Who’s to say there aren’t a whole slew of his/her images all over this universe? Now stay with me here, have you ever seen the movie Men in Black? One scene depicts an entire community of aliens living in a forgotten locker in Penn Station – that was their reality, their universe, and they had no concept of what lay outside of that locker. I am humble enough to accept that we know very little about who we are in the grand scheme of this universe. We are, in fact, living in that locker arrogantly rationalizing our feeble ideas of science to each other, while extraterrestrial commuters race by and the Amtrak of the cosmos has stopped at track 9, possibly right outside our door!!! 

Deep breaths. 

I must keep in mind that Hollywood has done a terrific job of scaring the bejesus out of me. Have you seen Independence Day? While I do feel it is ripe with that well known bit of American “we’ll blow the brains out anything unfamiliar if it dares step on our soil” agenda, (note: that movie was filmed before 9/11, interesting food for thought), the image of those space ships darkening the morning sky is unsettling to say the least. The movie War of the Worlds was horrendous to watch, and also a story that goes back for quite a few decades now. The list goes on: Aliens (I, II, III), Fire in the Sky, Mars Attacks!, Taken… at least E.T. and Men in Black involve some nice aliens.  Close Encounters of the Third Kind is an excellent U.F.O. movie but also does quite a bit of alien fear mongering until we get to its conclusion (which is secretly my hope for how such an alien/human meeting would occur… and there would be peace throughout our cosmos). 

Back to the point. I have forgotten to mention that I have also seen a U.F.O. for myself. I know I know, I should turn the lights back on and stop watching all those movies. Before I do, I will just tell you what I saw and leave it at that. 

I was living at a boarding school in Swaziland at the time – the school was located up on a hill and had a terrific view of country’s capital Mbabane, nestled in a small valley to our south. A friend and I were walking across the soccer field at night on our way to an art class. At the time, Swaziland had no evening air traffic. The one airport only landed its one jet once a week during the day – thanks to its less than advanced air traffic controlling capabilities. So when we saw something with a light far in the distance descending in the sky, it took us by surprise. We watched it for awhile, trying to explain what it might be. Suddenly it changed direction at a sharp 90 degree angle and seemed to be heading in the opposite direction, parallel to the ground. And finally, it made another extreme turn up into the sky and sped away very quickly. This may have happened over a period of two minutes or less. We convinced ourselves there must be some explanation but I don’t think we ever came up with one and I don’t think we ever brought it up again really. I still can’t figure out what could move like that in the night’s sky in Africa.  

So here is my final thought on this. I will work hard not to be convinced of impending space invasion, or fall for all the alien abduction hype. But I will not let myself be fooled that science can explain everything in our skies. Now turn your own lights off (for the sake of a postponed “Earth Hour”) and watch what was filmed in my own night’s sky only a few weeks ago.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6QXhfC_od4&hl=en]

While I was a college admissions counselor, one of the “standard operating” interview questions went a little something like:

“If you were to have a dinner party and could invite three people to it, who would they be?” 

Well, here I am in the self indulgent sanctity of my own blogging world and I have the luxury to finally ask myself that very question. And since we are being self indulgent here, I think I may have a much longer guest list. And perhaps a red carpet, velvet rope and paparazzi out front to greet them all. So, let me introduce you to the people that currently interest me. And you are, of course, welcome to come along as well. Bring a sense of humor however, this could be interesting. 

Barack Obama: I mean… duh! Have you heard this man speak? Deemed the “new hope” of presidential candidates, he is guaranteed to get the rest of the guests there – all giddy to hear him utter even the phrase “please pass the jelly”. 

Whoopi Goldberg: An outstanding actress (The Color Purple changed me), I watch her as often as I can on The View. (That’s so “stay at home mom” of me, isn’t it?) She’s an example among women: smart, fearless, down to earth and absolutely hysterical. 

Katherine Hepburn: A feminist before it was cool and a sharp witted wordsmith, this woman would eat you for lunch if you dare challenge her. I adore watching her films; she was a fantastically smart woman and storyteller. 

Keith Olbermann: I can hear my “repub” father groan from here. A liberal talking head like no other, Keith’s my man. Oh and he has to bring Rachel Maddow, another regular political analyst on his show. She comes from a home away from home of mine (Northampton, MA.) and she’s just brilliant. 

Condoleezza Rice: She gets a vodka tonic as soon as she arrives. This woman has to stand behind the current administration and defend its horrid decisions to the rest of the world. Make it a double for our soon to be pal, Condi. 

Hillary: Another obvious choice. But she needs to leave her political aids, carefully crafted catch phrases and anger issues at the door – come and have some fun, Hill!  

Paris Hilton: Let’s make it a party! And I mean, for diversity sake, her vapid comments will certainly keep some issues in perspective. Tinkerbelle (her Chihuahua) can come too I suppose, but she has GOT to bring her jail diary. Perhaps with some encouraging applause (and more vodka) she may even grant us a reading, can you imagine? 

Janis Joplin: Oh, now it’s a REAL party!! Plus I am banking on some spontaneous vocals and good old fashioned rock star fun. Let’s put Hillary next to her. 

Ani Difranco: Feminist, folk singer, poet, now mom – after listening to her music after all these years, she still speaks to me. 

Tom Cruise: Are you kidding me with this guy? Tiny, over zealous and ego-centric to an alarming degree, I have got to see how he really makes sense of himself. He better let Katie have a night on her own. She needs it… desperately.  

The Rolling Stones: Ok, they have seen every party and lived to tell about it. While also hoping for unprompted performances and a good time from them, I still feel their story telling could leave some of our more “smug” guests speechless. Keith Richards can sit at my end of the table. 

Bill O’Reily: I need to keep the conversation provoking but (gag) I just don’t want to sit next to him. He’s really full of it (completely packed to the hilt, in fact) – and don’t you just get a certain “Mr. McFeely” vibe from him? Ew. 

Khaled Housseni: Author of “The Kite Runner” and “A Thousand Splendid Suns”, he’s given me joy and heartbreak twice now. I need to know this man and learn more about his extraordinary country. 

Naomi Wolf: Another feminist mom and amazing author who changed my perceptions on so much. We’ll sit her next to Bill and make him suffer. (Cue my evil cackle…. Muuaahahahaha….) 

Jo Frost; AKA, “The Supernanny”: This reality TV star turns misbehaving children and horrible parenting around every Tuesday night. She’s wonderfully wise, “parentally” gifted and can hold her own with any of the “children” in attendance. 

John Hughes: Creator of the BEST 80s teen movies ever, please can I sit next to him? (And maybe he can tell me more about that ever-so-dreamy guy who played Jake Ryan?) 

Robin Williams: Guaranteed to keep things completely and utterly insane. And who else might convince Condi that singing Heart’s “Barracuda” karaoke style is a fantastic idea? He has to come. (And I think he just got divorced too. Who could I set him up with?) 

Ryan Seacrest: Well, if karaoke is involved, he needs to be there to MC our show. He is the contemporary Dick Clark; he’s plugged into pop culture if anyone ever was and certainly must have a story or two to tell. 

George Lucas:  Creator and Director of all Star Wars movies, a legend in his own nerdy right. (And he needs to explain why he didn’t do a back story about Han Solo. For real.) 

Ann Coulter: (cue Psycho knife wielding ‘weeee weeee weeee’ music) but it wouldn’t be a party without her, right?… Right? 

Kathy Griffin: She is absolutely hysterical and will fearlessly ask ANY question for a laugh. Plus if you’ve seen her “stand up”, she has more dish on celebs than Paris has outfits for Tinkerbelle. Love it. 

GW: Ugh, maybe he can stop in for just a drink, otherwise I may lose my appetite. I am having visions of Bill and Ann saddling up behind him, thugs and defenders of the evil empire. Honestly, my logic is that if I detest the man so much, I should suck it up and meet him so I can judge him fairly. But I will not be held accountable for the behavior of my other guests however, especially after all that vodka. 

Ronald Reagan: Ok, Mr. Perfect–republican-that-current-conservatives-pine-for… What WAS so great about you? And I have my own bone to pick with you about ignoring the AIDS epidemic so you better watch out if I get a couple in me and grow me some “beer muscles”.  

Britney Spears: Crazy as a loon and also from Hollywood, she can sit next to Ronald and keep him entertained. And maybe the Supernanny should hang out with her too… ya think? 

My grandmother Caroline: she died before I was born, I was named after her, she was adored in her family – I would do anything to meet her and enjoy this absolutely insane party with her. Do you think she’d be up for some karaoke too?

“…good times never seem so good…”